I just finished trying to record a song (in the studio I’ve been in before, with the person I’ve worked with before), and something was captured but I’m not sure it was worth capturing. It was a lament about David Foster Wallace’s untimely demise using his short story “Forever Overhead” as a theme. It’s getting so that I’ll write a song about anything. There was fingerpicking that I practiced for hours but was still unable to do perfectly, and there was singing that I hadn’t planned to do that seemed to be in a voice other than my own. This was the first step toward ANOTHER “album” and I’m not sure it was the right step. I could go on about the details, and how the next song will be a re-do of “Step Nine,” which is also fingerpicking, and after that I’m DONE with the sensitive acoustic stuff.
But what does this have to do with the price of eggs? Oh, yeah, there’s INFLATION going on, as well as payments on my “new” car which means I can’t spend anything extra on anything, and yet, here I am paying for recording services. It’s a bargain, though—I’m lucky. At my age, why am I so involved in this enterprise? I know I’ve asked that question before. My only answer is that focusing on music is safer emotionally, than a lot of other things. I’m beginning to think I’m a secret narcissist.
Russell doesn’t have much lined up in terms of magic shows, and I know that affects him. He’s spent his entire life perfecting his trade, and it must be difficult to not have an opportunity to perform. He does other helpful things in the world that seem to be excessive (like driving the homeless Dave L. around) but I understand that these deeds are purely beneficent, unlike doing things around the house that I might criticize. I wish I were a more positive force, but it turns out I’m a judgmental force. If I am any “force” at all.
Brother Brian is still here, and that’s good. I have no idea how this will turn out because I don’t know where Brian will go from here or when. I’m not sure I want him to go at all! In the meantime, it means that Russell and my “sex life” is limited (lack of privacy), but it was going in that direction anyway. There is a lot more between me and Russell than that, however.
And now youngest brother Ray may have some kind of blood disease (like leukemia?). He’s in the hospital for tests. This is a slowly settling weight on all of us siblings.
Here’s the stupid topper: Marianne O. requested (more than once) that I send her my CD. On the CD is a song about her (“It Ain’t Me or You, Babe”) that is NOT flattering. No names, no identifiable details, but she may recognize some descriptions. I was postponing sending it, but Russell mailed the package that I left on the table. So it’s too late. All I can do is be honest if she asks any questions. She’s wanting to “communicate” again, but who knows why? I tell myself I’m willing to be straight with her, but I may not even get the chance. What have I gotten from her except the dubious thrill of knowing someone who is an excellent musician? She did encourage me to record my songs, but she doesn’t consider me a contender, and she dislikes my email writing style (which is all I’ve got, really).
Also, I feel I’m not giving enough energy to various REAL friendships due to the home situation (which takes my attention whether it needs it or not) and the growing focus on practicing and writing songs. I’m actually PROUD of myself for giving enough time to music finally. And yet, there’s guilt. There always was.
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