Season's feelings

An excursion to Florida, with tropical breezes turning slowly to cold rain during the long drive back. John K. in a Santa Claus hat. Bette making delicious soup in the house in the woods. Beth laughing in Bruce and Ryn's kitchen, putting on her Tallulah accent. New faces on the periphery, people with high-tech jobs. A new kitten in my house. Rigid schedules failing, giving way to spontaneity. Scary for a person like me, even for a few days. Christmas doesn't carry the meaning, something else does. I feel the planet turning, banking, skidding across space, but I stay on my feet. Waking up is like riding a bicycle; you keep remembering how to do it even if you haven't for a long time.

A blue and white dance

Worldly things seem to be coming together for me. Despite paperwork SNAFUs, my degree-obtainment is drawing near. I’ll “walk” on December 16 at the winter graduation. I’ve bought my master’s gown; it comes with some kind of blue-and-white hood. This is to distinguish the graduate degree obtainers from the bachelor’s degree obtainers, I suppose. Blue and white are my university’s colors, but I am not sure university spirit is the reason for their presence here. Maybe they mean “English Literature.” I suppose I should find out, research the matter, which is easily done these days. Ah, here we go: “A master's degree gown merits three inches of velvet trim in the color of the college awarding the degree and an oblong sleeve, square-cut at the rear with an arc cut-away at the front.” Does that answer the question?

I have already been offered a basic English composition/literature course to teach in the fall of 2008. It will be strange to be going back and forth between buildings, a secretary for most of the day and a “professor” for a few hours a week. (The part-time adjunct instructor category is officially “lecturer,” but the students tend to think that the person in front of the room is actually a “professor.” Or a fool. Or something in between.)

Oh, I have all sorts of plans, daydreams. I want to make them write. I want them to crave and adore the written word despite its failures and flaws. Like the deaf, dumb and blind title character in the rock opera, “Tommy,” with his pinball machines and blindfolds for everyone, I want to inflict my own idiosyncratic solutions to not-necessarily-universal problems on vulnerable others. While they pay for it.

From a slightly different angle, it can be seen that to teach is to perform, but it’s also to invite others to perform, whether out loud or in writing. Such invitations may be ignored, and instructions for performances are always provisional and often misunderstood. Still, something might happen when I teach my first English class that won’t be happening if I’m not there. Although that can be said about anyone, that would be cool!

Red, red wine, stay away from me...

I have a problem with red wine. I like it too much. Maybe it’s the sugar in it, or maybe it’s the particular type of “buzz” it gives me. Or maybe I’m actually an alcoholic. Whatever the reason, it’s red wine over which I have less control than other beverages. After the first speculative glass, I begin pouring and quaffing it like it was grape juice. Which it is, only fermented. I down it like I’d down handfuls of salty peanuts--absent-mindedly--but of course the effects are slightly more obvious.

Social situations make me uneasy, although I do love socializing with even vaguely like-minded people. I must have residual self-consciousness; a feeling of not being good enough; a feeling of having to play a role in order to be liked. These feelings are somewhat stressful. Wine brings relief. Unfortunately, wine comes in bottles bigger than a bottle of beer. Once opened, a bottle of wine is, for all practical purposes, gone. And often, it’s gone into me.

Sometimes I don’t realize I’ve had too much until I knock something over or bump into something with more than my habitual clumsiness. My intellectual capacities feel the same as usual (which could be illusory). The ability to express my ideas might diminish, but that is not always noticeable to others. Or is it? I cherish the notion that I can express things well, so that a reduction of quality in MY expression merely brings it down to average level. What hubris and denial, eh?

No, I’m not having wine now. I’m having a beer.

But, seriously, I need to curtail my inclinations when it comes to that red wine. The merlots, the cabernets, the shirazes, and especially, the red zinfandels, so light and playful and deceptive. Oh, and the pinot noirs, brought to public attention by the film, “Sideways.” At least I’m not as bad as either of those guys!

Has anyone ever noticed that they might have a weekly alcohol quota? I think I do. If I skip a drink of wine or beer on one night, I seem to make up for it on another. I should measure carefully for a month. I’ll bet my weekly consumption is quite regular. The question is, is it increasing? Let’s hope not. I know it’s increased in the past, but at the moment, I intuit that it is decreasing, as my DVD-watching, exercise, and clarinet practicing increase. Nothing can replace oblivion, but that’s what sleep is for. Let us toast to a good night’s sleep!

Time keeps on slippin' slippin' slippin'...

Bought a used bicycle, as if I had the leisure to ride sedately to the grocery store, waving at neighbors and hoping for good prices on the makings of an autumn soup. As if I could hang around yard sales or appreciate gardens. As if I weren't compelled to show up at the same office at 8:30 am every weekday and stay there until 5 pm.

I am not as counter-culture as I used to be. Not conscientiously green; not an advocate of social experimentation. Long ago, I used to take public transportation and live in communes. Now I'm married, drive a car everywhere, and live in a small house that we own, but there seems to be no time to take care of the house anymore. Despite finishing my thesis (which was supposed to give me more time), I still can't keep up with the messes and the lack of organization in my own home. My new boss is excited about doing exactly those things in the workplace. Old files are being thrown out; old gadgets and chairs are being surplussed (put in a metal building on campus where some low-life company may eventually bid on them as landfill). My limited energy for optimizing my immediate environment is thus being sucked away, and I become slightly depressed on weekends. This leads to focusing on a rental movie or a series of pointless clarinet notes, or even the dreaded SLEEPING LATE, instead of the housework that I KNOW my boss is doing in her lovely home, in addition to bringing up her children and preparing for her classes, and her meetings with important people.

I need to believe that this is because she isn't "deep" or "questioning" like I am. Except for questioning how she wound up in charge of someone like me.